Pop Prick: "No Surprise" by Daughtry

Pop Prick will be a new ongoing feature by Josh Rank. He can be found at: www.joshrank.blogspot.com.

Daughtry “No Surprise”
How a song about Santa Claus could climb to the top of the charts in the middle of summer




Literally, the first thing Chris Daughtry says in this song which wasn’t included in the lyrics because it would make it too obvious, is “Ho-ho-ho.” Seriously.

First verse:

“I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round” (Gone around the world giving many gifts)

“And now I think that I've got it all down” (He knows how to con a mother into the sack)

“And as I say it louder I love how it sounds” (He’s proud of his carnal achievements)

“’Cause I'm not taking the easy way out” (He’s taking the easy way in)

“Not wrapping this in ribbons” (Because he’s sick of wrapping presents)

“Shouldn't have to give a reason why” (It’s pretty obvious, Santa)

Chorus:

“It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow” (Back to the North Pole)

“I can't believe that I stayed till today” (He fell asleep after plugging the Mom)

“Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow” (Mrs. Claus is a bad lay)

“But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise” (Of course Santa has to leave, he hates having children see him if he’s not in a mall)

Though I'm not going to run through the whole song, Daughtry is singing a song about Santa Claus nailing some random Mom and accidentally falling asleep. The genius of this song is that he disguises it as if it’s about some everyday schlub leaving his girlfriend. How else would the song sell in August?

It even documents when Santa first slid down the chimney that fateful night.

“Our favorite place we used to go/The warm embrace that no one knows”

He’s obviously talking about finding the woman waiting for him by the fireplace. How did he go down a chimney while the fire was still lit? Magic. Santa is magical.

And I thought Daughtry was a talentless hack that only got famous for having a good voice. Yes, I know that can be construed as talent, but not creative talent. It would be like getting famous for being able to toast bread perfectly every time. Good for you, but who really gives a sh**. I thought the lyrics were nothing more than the equivalent of a bad poem ripped from an eighth grader’s diary and put to the tune of any VH-1 band from the 90’s like Fuel or Third Eye Blind.

After close examination, I see that I was wrong. Quite the opposite is true, really. It’s the same as looking at a Picasso painting and only seeing a bunch of sh** thrown together. It’s only after you study you come to realize the shapes are arranged in a genius way. Daughtry’s “No Surprise” is just like a Picasso painting. And Daughtry is just as magical as Santa Claus.